You're In the Same Room and You've Never Felt More Alone
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Imagine that it's Sunday evening.
You're both on the couch. The TV is on, neither of you is really watching it. Your phone is in your hand. His is in his. The dog is between you, which is sweet, but also a little bit of a metaphor you'd rather not think about too hard.
Nobody is fighting. Nobody is leaving. Nobody is doing anything wrong.
And yet.
There is a distance in this room that wasn't there before. A silence that used to feel like comfort and now feels like something you're both carefully stepping around. You can't quite name it. You just know that you are right next to this person. This person you chose, this person you love. And you have never felt more alone.
If that sounds familiar, I want you to know something first: What you are experiencing is one of the most common and least talked-about forms of disconnection there is.
Being lonely together is more present this year than ever and I am seeing it everywhere.
How Did We Get Here?
Nobody drifts apart on purpose.
It happens over time. The conversation you didn't have because you were too tired. The bid for connection — a joke, a touch, a "how was your day" — that got a one-word answer and quietly stopped being made. The weekend plans that turned into separate errands. The inside jokes that faded because life got loud.
And underneath it all, your nervous system has been protecting you.
The world feels unstable right now. We stop reaching. Not because we don't care, but because reaching feels risky when we're already stretched thin. We conserve. We go through the motions. We coexist.
This is what happens when two people are overwhelmed and neither one knows how to say it out loud.
Clients sometimes feel that the relationship may be over when this happens.
There are many thoughts that may be going through your head when this happens. And when you keep those thoughts growing it becomes important because something needs your attention. But that doesn't always mean a new start.
I have sat with hundreds of women who felt exactly what you're feeling right now, and I can tell you with certainty: the distance that grows in silence can be closed. And, it takes something most of us were never taught to do.
It takes turning toward. Let me explain.
What Turning Toward Actually Looks Like
Turning toward is means the small, deliberate choice to reach, even when it feels awkward. Even when you're not sure how of if the reach will be accepted.
It looks like:
- Putting the phone down and asking a real question. Like, "What was the best part of your week?" "Is there anything on your mind you haven't said yet?"
- Noticing a bid for connection and responding to it, even imperfectly. A laugh at their joke. A hand on their arm. A "tell me more."
- Saying the true thing instead of the easy thing. "I've been feeling a bit far from you lately. I miss us." Six words. Enormous courage. Everything changes.
These are good places to start. You may even notice that each of you unclench just a little bit. And that is the beginning.
The distance you're feeling right now is simply asking you to pay attention.
In my Relationships That Work coaching program, this is exactly where we begin. With practical tools to turn toward each other again, even after a long time of turning away.
If you're wondering why everything feels so hard right now, and when you're ready to stop wondering and start working, I'm here.
The couch doesn't have to feel that far apart.
— Caterina Barregar, Relationship Coach