The Power of Giving Without Keeping Score

 

When people hear the word kindness, many think of meditation and journaling and that is a great start.  These are beautiful, powerful practices. I taught meditation myself. I write personalized meditations for clients. I even have an album on Spotify that people return to again and again.

One of the most profound meditations I know is the Loving Kindness meditation.  A beautiful  practice rooted in Buddhist tradition, brought into the mainstream by teachers like Jon Kabat-Zinn.  It moves outward in circles.  First  towards yourself, to your family, to your friends, to those you have conflict with, to your neighbours, your community, your country, and finally the whole world. It is one of the most expansive acts of the heart I have ever encountered.

Kindness lives in the everyday.  n the words you say to a stranger. In the meal you share with no expectation of return. In the way you speak to yourself at the end of a hard day.

That's the part most people miss.

The Gift Is in the Giving

Here's what I know from living this: real kindness doesn't drain you. When it's genuine, it fills you.

I compliment strangers. If I notice a beautiful smile, I say so. If someone's energy stops me in my tracks, I tell them. If I can see that someone is doing a good job — really doing it — I say that too. These are people I may never see again. And that's exactly the point.

I'm not giving to receive. I'm not keeping score. I'm not waiting to see if they return the favour.

 The gift is in the giving, always.  It's in watching someone's face change when they realize they've been truly seen and understood.

Once a month I have a group of women over for a potluck. They love it. Nobody feels obligated to host in return. That's not the arrangement. The arrangement is simply: we show up for each other, we share a meal, and we leave feeling more connected than when we arrived.

Kindness doesn't require reciprocity. In fact, the moment you attach an expectation to it, it stops being kindness and becomes a transaction.

What We Get Wrong

Most people hold back because they're afraid of giving too much.

They worry about being taken advantage of. About being seen as naive. About pouring from an empty cup.

But here's what I've found: when kindness comes from a full and genuine place instead of a feeling of obligation, or from people-pleasing, or from fear,  it comes back.

Not always from the same person. Not always in the same form. But it comes back. Not because I need it to, but because that is just the way it works.  

You don't need to manipulate or demand something in return. You don't need to hint at it or track it. You just give, freely, and trust the current.

The Person We Forget Most Often

Here's the part that surprises most of my clients.

We talk about kindness toward others — and then I ask: when did you last offer that same kindness to yourself?

And then there is a long pause. 

We are so practiced at giving. At noticing what others need, at showing up, at making people feel seen. And we are so unpracticed at turning that same gentle attention inward.

Kindness towards yourself means speaking to yourself the way you'd speak to a someone you love. It means noticing when you're exhausted and responding with compassion instead of criticism. It means being as generous with your own heart as you are with everyone else's.

That's the practice most of us have never been taught. And it changes everything.

Where to Begin

Start small. Start today.

Tell someone their smile is beautiful. Mean it. Notice how it feels to give something with no strings attached.

And then — when you're ready — turn that same attention toward yourself. Notice something you did well this week. Say it out loud. Mean that too.  Celebrate yourself in some small way. 

Kindness is a daily practice. And the more you practice it outward, the more natural it becomes to offer it inward.

If this resonates and you're ready to explore what it looks like to bring this into every relationship in your life, including the one with yourself, I would love to talk to you. 

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— Caterina Barregar, Relationship Transformation Coach